I did it! I’ve been married for a whole year. Go meeeee! Or us I suppose. I guess The One™ has contributed a little bit. And now that I’ve been married for a full 365 days, I’m full of wisdom and advice and bullshit. And today, dear reader, I share those bullshit lessons with you. They may just put you on the path to a happier marriage. Because obviously I know everything there is to know at this point. You’re welcome.
1. Spend Your Fights Where They Count
You’re going to fight. It’s just the way it is. If you’re not fighting ever, you’re probably not communicating, right? Just make sure you spend your fights on things that matter. Like whether or not you should get rid of your piano in in favor of a scorpion workstation. Or who should should be responsible for brushing the cat while one of you is in the midst of a sneeze fit. Or the fact that one of you left the other’s $40/$85/$100 backpack in the home of a possible roid rager (who actually just had diabetes).
2. Split the Chores, So That Both of You Think the Other is Getting Screwed
We live in a brave new world. Women and men are expected to be equal partners in the home. I know, I know, ridiculous. But we have to go along with it lest we become societal outcasts. In dividing your chores, it works really well if you each have things you don’t mind doing and things you hate doing and if the other has the opposite inclinations. For instance The One™ doesn’t mind getting drunk and cleaning bathrooms, but he loathes laundry. Me, on the other hand, I don’t mind watching romcoms and crying as I fold laundry. So, in splitting our chores he deals with poop of the human and feline variety and I deal with detergent. Ergo. I win but he thinks he wins. Hooray.
3. Buying a Home is Scarier Than Getting Married
In the moments before I pranced down the 10-foot cramped aisle fashioned out of a local coffee shop last year, I had no qualms about the momentous commitment to come. It was a completely obvious decision. Why wouldn’t I want to hang out with this one guy who is super nice to me, is only slightly less funny than I am, hates everyone about as much as I do, and doesn’t seem to care that I’m a complete beast for at least a fourth of the year? Meanwhile, buying a home I look at the flaws and think, “oh no, do I have to spend every day for the foreseeable future waking up next to a shower built for Keebler elves just for the added security that comes with top-floor living?
4. The Good Ones Make for Better Careers (or Other Ambitions)
Over the course of my many, many relationships I’ve had driven dudes who drug me down because they were too focused on their own careers that mine warranted very little thought. (Often compounded by the women should be taking care of babies and nothing else mentality.) I’ve also dated dudes who had no drive and drug me down because they required all of my additional attention and/or got insecure when I had interests outside of them. I’ve had dudes who let me coast on my own path and didn’t impact my career path one way or the other. But there is this somewhat magical thing that has happened with The One™ where I have pushed myself further career wise than I ever did with any of these others. Or than I did on my own, if I’m honest. I know that’s a terrible thing to say for a formerly I-N-D-P-E-N-D-E-N-T single lady, but I don’t know, I’ve always been kind of a wuss careerly speaking, and it’s nice to have someone sub in for a backbone once in awhile.
5. Some Days It’s Hard to Be On for the Other Person and Sometimes it’s That Day They’ll Need You On the Most
As I write this, it’s one of those days. I’ve dealt with a lot of weird issues in preparation for our home's close date and The One™ has had an utterly terrible day at work. All I want to do is write and unwind, and all he wants is a mindless evening of CUDDLES (ewwwww we’re gross). So I struck a compromise for my own mental health. I would hammer out this piece and reconvene in an hour. I’m not fully sure he agreed to said compromise. Oh man, I’m so getting a divorce aren’t I? I better go check on that...