5 Things That Actually Changed Now That I’m Wifed

When I got married all of 9 Months ago, people were full of one question. Surprisingly and thankfully it was not “When are the babies coming.” Because that’s annoying, invasive and very well established as not okay. So stop it, mom. The real question everyone kept asking was “is it different?” The short answer: nope not really, but there are a few things that have changed. For me specifically. They may not change for you.

1. Introductions

Introducing people to my husband feels so odd. Adult.  A thing that I am not. I’ve been working on it, but I can’t quite get it to come out naturally. Every time I say it it sounds smug. Maybe it’s a result of the billion years I spent single with married girls rubbing my face in their husbands blerrrrgh. Looking back it seems they were probably just being normal people using normal language, but I still can’t get it to feel normal. As evidenced by the blog posts referencing him. Even when I type it it feels self-satisfied. It’s why I’m still trying to come up with alternatives. Like manperson, warden, keeper, caretaker, life roomie.

2. My Name (Sorta)

I chose to change my last (and middle) name when I did the whole wedding thing. It’s still sinking in, but the weirdest thing has actually been how little of a difference it’s made. Yeah it’s kinda a pain and I’m still working through the process of changing it on all my official documents. But, it made me realize how little I actually use my last name. After nine months I assumed I would have no problem using the new last name, but I really don’t use it often enough to get used to it. Sure I sign my new last name on everything, but my signature has always been that of a deranged doctor writing out a prescription. So the erratic shake I use to emblazon my name has remained relatively unchanged. Mostly the only area that has been impacted is social media. Ahh modern love.

3. Joint Greetings

You have to force yourself to write “we” on cards for other people. It starts with the thank yous and continues onto wedding cards, birthday greetings and everything else. For the rest of your life. It’s especially weird when I’m writing very personal messages to people I’ve known longer than I’ve known my Consort. “I have loved all the shared intimate memories we’ve created with you. -Cosigned US”  is ridiculous. But the other option is “We wish you generic happiness in your future.” Maybe if I was okay with a simple “Love, Us” it would be different, but as it stands I can’t figure out how to write a card anymore and it’s incredibly frustrating.

4. Man Deterrent

I have had very little opportunity to test this theory because I’m old, never go out and put on enough happy fat to make it less likely that anyone would approach me, but the first time I actually got to wield my wedding tattoo as evidence that I was unavailable was oddly satisfying. I know it’s kind of smug to say this, but I had used the married excuse in the past and it never actually worked. It’s like they could smell that it was a lie. But no one questions a tattoo. You’d have to be pretty insane to get a wedding tattoo to prevent unwanted advances, right?

5. Mom Pressure

As previously established: my mom has started pressuring me to have children in the past nine months. This is new and incredibly foreign to me. Sure, my mother has weighed in on my life decision’s in the past (uninvited). But she never pushed me to be further along in my life stages than I was. In fact, when I was “ready” to get married at 23, she was pretty firmly (though silently) against it. Not because of my age, but because the guy was completely wrong. But, now that I’ve found the right guy, something switched in my mom and now she’s full of not-so-subtle suggestions that I need a baby in me now. Despite the fact that she already has three grandchildren. It’s somehow different because I’m her only daughter.

So that’s it. Five things changed. Everything else is exactly the same.