The Online Saga Part Three: A Mainstream Approach

Well, as I mentioned a few weeks ago, I’ve begun sampling all that the online dating world has to offer (not much). The Christian sites yielded disappointing results, so onto the online dating darlings of the masses. OK, nobody really knows what Zoosk is, but eHarmony? Everybody’s doing it. Right??


I hit this site pretty hard when I first started and then became kind of indifferent about seeking people out. Now, like a true snob, I wait for people to contact me and then review their profile to determine if I shall grace them with a response (honestly, it’s just because I’m lazy). It’s pretty standard; answer a few questions about yourself, post a few pictures and then begin your search. There weren’t a ton of eligible bachelors in the greater Minneapolis area, but perhaps I should give it another perusal before I close out my account completely. Though I’m a bit hesitant to traipse down that path again. The last time I did I found myself staring

The 'Baby' Guy

in the face (the profile actually belonged to his friend, still weird though).

Their “scientific matching system” is pretty limited and essentially gives no consideration to preferences you’ve set. Also, there is an enormous hidden fee for signing up. We’re already losers in need of dating CPR, and yet you kick our wallets when we’re down? Not awesome Zoosk, not awesome at all. Refusal to fork over the exorbitant fee doesn’t prevent individuals from sending an opening message. This means that most people hand out their phone number like a 21-year-old experiencing her first night of barhopping and the many eager men such an experience presents. I declined to contact these individuals because I’m not looking to pick up a stalker, especially one with “mental health issues that [he] has under control” or one looking for a “f*$% buddy.” Whelp, I appreciate the honesty, but I think I’ll pass.

I’ve gotten a lot of “wink, wink” messages, which, as I said before, I refuse to respond to on principle. There have been a few possibilities, but they’ve fizzled out before getting the point of meeting. There is one I’ve been corresponding with on a regular basis and would meet if circumstances didn’t prevent it. He seems humorous and has a certain level of wit in written correspondence, but who knows if it will hold up in person. (I really am a pretentious twit aren’t I?) And lord knows he likely won’t find me nearly as charming in a face-to-face interaction. I won’t go into great detail about this individual lest he happen upon this blog and have a reaction similar to that of Rachael Leigh Cook when she found out that Freddie Prinze Jr. was using her. (If you recall, she was so appalled she cashed in on a swear you’re only allowed to use once in a PG-13 movie and never in a trailer.)


So eHarmony is kind of spectacular in that it is perfect for the ambivalent online dater as it delivers your prince charming right to your inbox. The omniscient website knows your type based on an extensive survey (apparently I’m in need of an attorney/engineer who loves Malcolm Gladwell and sarcasm—OK, I’ll give you that one eHarmoguru). Unfortunately, perhaps because of the match pre-sets, all of the profiles start to look the same after awhile. This makes it difficult to pick out the gem among Bedazzler ammo.

The guided communication is potentially good in theory, but most of it is lacking in depth. With the exception of the last level of pre-message communication, the “Must Have; Can’t Stands.” This is where the deal breakers come out. I corresponded with a few gents, but most disappeared after I sent them my list of “Must Haves; Can’t Stands,” which further suggests my standards are out of control. I chose them from a list that eHarmony gave me, so it’s not like they are unheard of; that should give me some kind of reprieve no? And, in defense of my standards, I dropped out of the running after I received a couple of requisite lists I simply could not live up to.

So far, eHarmony seems to be the best fit for my online dating needs. Mainly because it requires little effort for the first few rounds of communication. Perhaps when my trial is up, I will venture over to or OK Cupid. Or I will be married to Mr. Everything I Have Ever Wanted But Didn’t Know I Could Find Lurking Online. 

The actual result of these endeavors remains to be seen. Thus far I’ve only gone on one actual date and it was a bit disappointing, but that, Kidlets, is a different discussion for a different post. For now, I shall sally forth in the land of virtual dating and see what comes of it.